你怎么又哭了呢

I actually spent some time thinking whether I should get a cup of coffee and a slice of carrot cake before heading to the library and spend my whole day there, or to go to a cafe for a lunch then continue on with my PHRM 1020. 

Little do I know that most of the cafes in uni are closed during the weekends. And I have only two apples and some biscuits with me lol.

Anyway, it is a historical day for me. A person who has no sense of direction have decided to go uni by herself. When I say that I have no sense of direction, I am not exaggerating. Cause I still can't find my way to lecture halls after one semester, and I don't know which bus to catch except 139. And 139 is not available during the weekends (which I just realized yesterday after checking translink).

So why did I keep thinking about how to have my lunch? Coz I hate being alone. I would rather skip lunch if I would have to go somewhere alone to grab lunch. Same thing happens when I am walking alone, be it on the street or in uni, I just don't like it. Instead of using the word 'hate' maybe I am more 'afraid' of being alone.

Why did I come to uni by myself since I am not used to being alone?

Cause I would feel more lonely at home despite the fact that there are people in the house. Nope thats not even my home, my home is at Miri, Sarawak. The best place on earth. 

Like what I have mentioned in the previous post, I have chosen to live with it instead of grieving. Haha maybe not grieving thats a bit too serious. But yeaa I wont say that I am now having my sweet time alone cause I will never enjoy doing all things by myself. But I am coping.

Dear life. I am finding ways to love you more. & I am happy that you didn't fail me. 

(except that I have no enough food now :p)

had to tilt my head to one side coz my face has grown bigger.

Pimples on my face symbolise that I am studying.

I have locked my blog for like two weeks or so due to my previous blogpost which I think was too emo but still wanted to post it. Just so that people won't think that I am a emotional person.

However, the sad phase was over. It wasn't because of the monthly cycle which happens in every female, it is just me being stubborn.

Since I can't change anything about undesirable events that have already happened and are still happening, I guess I will just have to live with it.

I AM NOT GOING TO BE AFFECTED ANYMORE.

Hopefully.

I tend to think a lot in the bus. The journey to university is too long. I wish I can take out my lecture notes and start reading it but no it never happens. I am just too afraid of what people think about me.
But really, it is not being kiasu or whatever, I tend to concentrate better in the toilet, the bus and the library. Weird huh, but not so weird actually.

There are certain people who don't understand why would somebody study 'too frequent' or burn the midnight oil. Therefore those pitiful bunch of people was then categorised as kiasu because they spend more time studying.

For me thats not being kiasu. They concern more about their future than you do. It is not like they are all antisocial book worms.

Small minded people everywhere.

Okay it seems like I am the one who study too much but nope. I wish I do study that long too but I am too easily distracted and often ends up sleeping.

I like to drink coffee, but I have come to a point where I drink coffee not because I think it is nice (of course coffees are still nice, they are addictive), but it is because I don't wanna fall asleep at night.
My usual sleeping hours has been cut down from 8 hours to 4.30 hours. Yea that was normal for some people but not for me.

I feel like my liver or kidneys are gonna burst anytime soon.
Let them burst. I don't want pass. I want good grades.

我累了 想家了
终于来到了之前拼了命都要来的地方
却发现这里没有任何一件人事物属于我

青峰好像说过
幸福就是不要追求太多的幸福

哈 我觉得我对幸福的要求已经很低
唯一的答案就是蔡倩宜你太不知足

朋友说

照片里的你笑得很开心啊
别人拍照我当然不能摆出一副我其实很不想笑的样子啊

在澳洲念书 别人恨都恨不到 你是在钻什么牛角尖
你过去都离开家里两年了
从来都没有想家啊

不是想不想家的问题
更不是不是澳洲不澳洲的问题

而是 在这里我找不到一个属于我的地方

还在停留在过去
我们在一起上学的日子

奈于我实在不是一个习惯找人聊天的人
所以 她们应该都不知道
她们都太好
好得连我自己都没有想过 我会那么地想念她们

现在的我 每天都很想吃蛋糕
想吃吃了会让我开心起来的蛋糕

在蛋糕失效以前

是时候让心里变得更强壮

是时候 找回会真正开怀大笑的我

This is probably the so called 'saddest' period thus far in the 20 years of my life.

The thing is, I don't even know why.

Nope I am not having homesick. Nope I am not stressed up.
I have lots of quizzes and assignment at hand, and it seems like I'm never gonna complete them on time.
My to do list is always full and I have to add in a lot of tasks everyday. But I am definitely not having a big problem with them.

Now what. The only way to explain this is, it is just hormone imbalance.
Deep down inside I know it is just a really lame excuse.

It is just me and my tangled mind.
I certainly do know that there are lots of things that I should appreciate.
But I just don't.

See things in a different way won't I?
NOO I couldn't do so at this point.

WHAT IS THIS.

我一点都不想做唐宛如
虽然蔡净慈只是随便说一说
但是我觉得四个人里面 我真的好像最像她

虽然说我不知道自己在烦什么
不过那都在骗自己
我根本是对自己没有信心

说白了
我只需要别人的肯定
不想再当绿叶
不想再常常只被友族同胞和黑人搭讪

干 我真的不觉得我有那么差
干 你们可以继续说我肥没有关系
毕竟我自己也觉得自己最近不断向横发展

可是为什么为什么为什么
为什么我就是唐宛如的缩影
为什么 为虾米米米

我真的真的很想拥有顾里的气魄
林萧不怕死勇往直冲

至于南湘
本人是没有什么感觉
就是一个爱乱发脾气的花瓶

总之
我不要做唐宛如
坚决不要

曾经以为
我会安然无恙 平平静静地毕业
不舍的感觉当然会有
可是只会是一点点
因为我更盼望毕业后的大学生活
我期盼一种新的生活方式
我要用尽方法充实自己

所以 我没有时间不舍得
也不会感性地在一旁黯然神伤
想着我们以后再也见不到面的可能性

不 我错了
我开始后悔为什么在第三个学期
才和除了我们四个以外的同学混熟

为什么不早一点就发现
Yan Wei 虽然讲话不是很有技巧
但是她非常乐于助人

为什么不早一点发现
其实 Jason Tan 在该认真的时候
会表现出他前所未有的认真

为什么不早一点发现
林宇安虽然超级臭屁加过度自信
但是在看戏的时候 却一点都不淡定

为什么明明觉得 Cecelia 很有趣
却来不及和她再熟一点点
 
为什么明明就不是 lesbian
却会开始想念 Mr Agas 的口不遮拦

为什么明明就很常被 Ms Gladys 看轻
却有点担心上了大学遇不见这么一个厉害讲课的好老师

为什么明明就应该做的事情
到最后却不敢去做

为什么明明很香很想知道的事情
却没有勇气求证

为什么机会近在咫尺
却没有伸手把它捉住
眼睁睁地看着它溜走

带着很多很多个为什么毕业
有没有答案已经不再重要

只想在这个道别的季节里
说一声

再见啦 我的良师益友

我的心里永远会有你们的位置 :)